THIS AND THAT(Continued)
The Horticultural Show
It?s a Summery day in September. The sun is doing the day of the horticultural show proud and the
forecast is for the blue skies to last until nightfall. All over the village members of the
horticultural society are preparing their chosen exhibits for the various flower classes with care
bordering on the paranoid. Cotton buds, small make up brushes, tweezers and scent sprays are being
put to uses that they were never designed for. The vegetable growers are busy trying to find three
matching carrots worthy of a prize.
In other village homes the cooks are baking, decorating and
studying schedules. This year each and every one of them determined to beat their various archrivals.
Children in this village are not left out, some are carefully crafting their entries for the
handwriting competition, others are making miniature gardens on dinner plates, no more than 12
inches across. Still others have painted their entry for the ?Village Scene? competition, entrants
to be 17 or under on the first of September.
In still other homes embroidery is being checked,
jars of jam given a final wipe and the labels checked, photographs for the ?Countryside at Harvest ?
being critically scrutinised and an atmosphere of anticipation and excitement pervaded many of the
village homes.
Mind you, the old-timers will tell you, it?s nothing like it was not since all those
incomers and second homeowners moved in. They bloody contribute nothing and moan about the village
ways, they should be slung out the lot of them. Never was, never will be much love lost between
the old village families and the new folk, mind you it would help if the new folk didn?t consider
themselves superior to the village ?yokels?.
In an apartment in an old mill several miles away a man is also preparing for the show. For more
years than he cares to remember he has judged the home made wines classes. Four classes in all
dry red, dry white, sweet red, sweet white. He prepares the tools of his trade a bucket to spit
in, the special glasses to peer in, sniff at and sip from and the judging sheets divided into the
various categories-
Presentation (out of 10 points)
Appearance (out of 20 points)
Bouquet (out of 30 points)
and the all important taste (out of 40 points)
Adding a couple of tea towels and a cork screw for those entrants who couldn?t read the schedule.
He remembered past shows when there was a class for wine from unusual ingredients. A very a
cceptable Yorkshire pudding wine was fondly remembered and the memory of wines he referred to as
the foul three brought an involuntary shudder A wine made from tomatoes, a wine made from grass
cuttings on which he had added the comment ?if you must make wine from grass clippings make sure
your dogs hasn?t got there first? and a wine concocted from some indescribable ingredient which
had brought forth the comment of ?congratulations on proving that Fairy Liquid is fermentable?.
Not that he was a vindictive man but he did draw the line at attempts to poison him.
He was ready at last and he departed in time for his 11 o?clock appointment.
At 11 o?clock sharp he and the rest of the judges assemble. Each is equipped with the tools of his
trade skewers, magnifying glasses, kitchen knives and tape measures to the fore. As he entered the
hall the last of the competitors was leaving. Old Jack flicked a final cloth over his giant marrow
as the wine judge said, as he did every year, "That?s a fine looking courgette you?ve got there
Jack" and Jack replied as always with a grin and a single expletive.
Pleasantries were exchanged with other judges offers of a slice of Victoria sponge for a glass of
wine were jocularly made. Finally the serious business of judging started and this really was
serious business, not only were the competitors under scrutiny but so were the judges. The
standard of their judging would be discussed at length when the competitors returned and again
later when the public were let in.
The exhibits were checked for conformity to schedule, ullage was measured, the brightness
examined, bottles checked for dirty marks, labels checked for straightness. Next the big two
bouquet and taste. Marks were noted down and then added.
At last he finished his four classes 1st 2nd 3rd and highly recommendeds awarded not forgetting
the all important ?Best in show?. He was free to have a wander round the other exhibits.
The show?s standard was very high as usual but again the number of entries was down. It was only
last year that one of the weekenders had entered some potatoes bought in the supermarket as a bit
of a hoot, his sense of humour went down like a lead balloon and later that same day his cleaner
handed his key back saying she wouldn?t be cleaning for him again and he had never managed to find
a replacement. Taking the piss out of village ways and traditions was no way of endearing yourself
the Chairman of the Horticultural Society had told the miscreant in no uncertain terms.
The wine judge told the Treasurer to donate his fee and expenses to his favourite charity
and prepared to leave. For him the show was over. The afternoon would bring pleasure to some,
disappointment to others and an event that was laughingly referred to as a fete worse than death.
Judges rarely stayed to meet the public and competitors. It seemed prudent to steal away, their job
done for another year.