AND THEREBY HANGS A TALE (Continued)

I Digress (Continued)

Oh dear this digression is really holding up the story. They told me this guy who calls himself Ally Cante, gawd that’s nearly as bad as Phil’s Pizza-carto, was over for a three week traipse round his old haunts and he would be visiting the four of them for a couple of days and would I like to join them for a spot of lunch.

At the back of our row of cottages each cottage has a courtyard and then a passageway and then on the other side of the passageway a quite small garden. The Mad Woman’s, Steve’s and my gardens are smothered in flowers in pots climbing trellises and anything to enchant the eye. George’s is covered in weeds and he never goes there claiming, as a seafaring man, he does not understand the in and outs of gardening. Fortunately his garden is at the far end of the row so we just ignore it. As The Mad Woman says why should architects be the only ones allowed to make blots on the landscape.

Gosh this is getting bad I even digressed from a digression. Let’s see I was telling you about the plans I had originally arranged with Steve. I was going to help him to rub down, stain and varnish eight old wooden chairs we had bought very cheaply from the local weekly auction. Four for his kitchen and four for ours. The chairs we had already got in our kitchens we had arranged to sell to Phil thus making a small profit. Steve’s good at things like that.

Now where was I before I digressed? The four people who have Ally Cante, I can’t get over that name, in tow are Grace Disful, Big Fat Joe, Jaunty Jack and Legs Eleven. Where the hell do they get these names from?

Phil’s Irish gem has just come into the bar I don’t think I told you her name is Kate. Phil can’t be easy for her to live with. Don’t get me wrong he is a charming easygoing fellow but he is such a dreamer and so full of plans to make their fortune. He is already working on plans for next year. His latest idea is to build the menu around Lamb shanks and change the name from Pizza-carto to Sheepshanks all made up out of knotted rope. Mind you it will never happen Lamb shanks is this year’s hot menu item next year’s will be different.

It was Grace Disful who chose Pizza-carto for our rendezvous. This causes a dilemma for me. Shall I warn them and thereby admit Phil’s establishment is known to me and moreover cost Phil, who after all is a flesh and blood mate, four lunchtime meals? Or do I keep quiet and risk the wrath of the assembled party? On balance I decide to let them make their own choices after all the beer and wine will be excellent and they’ll probably babble away and not even notice what they are eating. I well remember one night when, for a bet, Phil deliberately served different food to that ordered to a party of four who had perfected the art of all talking at once and listening at the same time. Not an easy thing to do. Well after they had worked their way through a starter, main course and dessert he presented them with the bill and they actually complimented him on the food. Believe me Phil was astounded no one but no one ever compliments Phil’s food.

Oh damn again I digressed. I look at the clock and realise they should arrive any minute. I begin to fervently wish I was helping Steve with the chairs. The place is nicely full but Phil has reserved a table on the far side for the expected party of five plus me if I like the look of them. I begin to feel like a cross between someone on a blind date and a character from a bad spy story. Instinctively I hunch down in my seat and try to hide behind my pint wishing I hadn’t picked a window seat. Even in a really bad spy story the spy wouldn’t make that mistake. If I was a real writer I would be using this experience as research for a future book but on balance I think I am cut out for short stories with a high failure rate and blurb writing.

Phil comes wandering over and much to my horror sits down at my table. He looks at my horrified expression and says “I’m sorry to tell you Nick, because I know you’ll be so disappointed, but their car has broken down and they wont be coming after all.”

So you see it‘s true, in the end, life is just one big digression.